Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what is cheese if not milk persevering

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.