Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.