Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

it’s finally my moment to shine

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?