Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

hackers play passwordle

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead

Do not steal food from the science building!

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA