Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

“Whistle while you work”

~The boogers in my nose

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…

“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

[on my way back to the posting caves]