noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
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Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
i want it utterly assaulted.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them