nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I’ve had relationships like this
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Hey! This isn’t my car!
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
This week’s mood.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you