nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
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Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.