noooooo don’t hurt yourself
let me do it
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every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
going to the ER y’all need anything
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid