Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!