noooooo don’t hurt yourself
let me do it
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Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
weird email i got today
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues