Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
You Might Also Like
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.