Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee