Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.