Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

Yes my dude

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

I’m not stressed

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings