“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
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You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
I’m hunting wabbits…
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho