Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
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“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Doctors texting each other.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please