Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules