Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?