“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
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I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
mariah carrie
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess