“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
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If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!