“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
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If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.