Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

Now who done made this a sport lmao

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”