Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?