#NoRestForTheWicked
You Might Also Like
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink