#NoRestForTheWicked
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Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.