Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.