Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
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The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.