Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

My dog ate my work from home.

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

trivia

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.