Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

My friend is an excellent librarian.

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there