Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here