Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

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Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.


A CW told me for the 50th time that her baby learned how to walk so I told her”if you really wanna impress me lmk when it learns how to fly”


Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?


jesus could get on twitter and be like “fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!” and someone would be like “you’re”.


[guy who named the bedroom gets home]
Honey? Our son got in trouble at the learnroom. His teacher called while I was driving in my wheelsbox


My sister used a Kroger bag to bleach her hair and the logo came off on her head happy Monday


People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?


[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too


I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁