Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
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I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
what does he know…
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.