@DrakeGatsby

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

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@aLunchBox

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

@LoriLuvsShoes

A CW told me for the 50th time that her baby learned how to walk so I told her”if you really wanna impress me lmk when it learns how to fly”

@lyric_intent

Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?

@therealelp

jesus could get on twitter and be like “fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!” and someone would be like “you’re”.

@NicestHippo

[guy who named the bedroom gets home]
Honey? Our son got in trouble at the learnroom. His teacher called while I was driving in my wheelsbox

@bosley_peyton

My sister used a Kroger bag to bleach her hair and the logo came off on her head happy Monday

@myles_morrison

People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?

@TheHyyyype

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

@DonKinderknecht

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁