Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

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Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.


daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie


My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.


A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing


I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.


No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.


Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?



M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!


Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja


[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”