@DrakeGatsby

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

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@ChickenFrecklez

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

@stuckinaportal

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

@Brianhopecomedy

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

@mattytalks

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

@UnFitz

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

@4SLars

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

@Gupton68

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

@BunAndLeggings

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

@onion_an

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”