Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

This headline is a thing of beauty

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.