normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Whoops
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
