Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.