Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

I think this cat is broken

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

Well, my evening plans are ruined

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.