Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
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My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.