Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
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The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
sigh
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.