Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
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stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
the dark web is just a goth google.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.