Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

[Interview]

Me: I really need the paycheck

Him: This is an unpaid internship.

Me: Do you provide snacks?

Him: Um, yes

Me: Keep going…

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

(Gaming support cat.)

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*