Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
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I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Never forget.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Good morning!
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.