Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me