Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

i smell a pulitzer

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.