normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
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My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
me after eating Cheetos
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier