me: How many calls do I get?
me: What do you think is more likely? a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel?
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
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*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*