Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
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The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
As Newton once said, “For every male action, there is a female over-reaction”.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Sometimes I think I want to have a baby but then I wake up the next morning still holding my beer and I think maybe not
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Guys, please don’t judge someone based on stuff they wrote themselves in a public forum meant to reach the widest possible audience.