@louvregguk

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

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@animaldrumss

me: How many calls do I get?
cop: one
me: What do you think is more likely? a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel?

@iwearaonesie

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

@LnL245

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

@MikeZakarian

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

@HomeWithPeanut

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

@amandajpanda

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

@AmberTozer

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

@grillyjoel

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

@portmanteauface

Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*