Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids