Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

“Remember Robert from work?”

Yeah..he was a douche.

“He died.”

WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!