Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
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ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling