Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
There’s only one good girl here!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
not seeing the problem
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
#Caturday
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
