Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
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PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I can also cook 😂
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
My patience has stretch marks.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.