Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol

Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.

Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket