Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
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I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.