Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
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No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Ha.
