Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
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All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
no cat here
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me