Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

when unicorns get really drunk

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0