Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

“these edibles aint shit”

me 45 minutes later:

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me: