Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
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* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
*cough*
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
