Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
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hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*