Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
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telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
You are not alone 💚
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying