Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
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Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god