Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has there ever been a more American story?

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

Simple enough.

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.