Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

Uh oh 👀

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.