Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
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A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
even bears disappoint their mothers
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.