Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
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Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
