Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”

But, why sir?

Chef: yes

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters