Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
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me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
*Inspirational Tweets*
