Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
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*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.