normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
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I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
No, I don’t think I will.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I wish I could veto my bills.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles