Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.