Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

*Infrastructure naming conference *

Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk

Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?

Crab:

Other animals :

Crab:

Other animals:

Crab :

Other animals :Okay we get it

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

Is this you?

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations