Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs